My Name Is Attached to Something That Will Never Come Down

A man told me he checks it about once a week and that he knows exactly how long the page is.

He is not checking whether it has gone. He knows it has not gone and it is not going to. He checks the way a person presses a bruise, to confirm that the thing is still there and still hurts and to find out how much.

His was ten years ago. He has done everything that could be done. There is no legal route left, and he has taken advice from three people about it, and the answer each time was some version of: it stays.

And so his name arrives in rooms before he does, permanently, and he told me the hardest part is meeting somebody new who is being very slightly too normal with him.

I have a version of this, and mine is public because I put it on a stage on purpose, and that is a completely different thing and I will not pretend otherwise. What I do know is the specific sensation of a room having already read something.

There is a line in a psalm about faces that is more useful here than anything about reputation.

The verse is about direction, not about information

Here it is.

They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. (Psalm 34:5, King James Version)

They looked unto him. That is the first clause and it is about direction. Somebody turned their face toward something.

And were lightened. Lit up, illuminated, the way a face is when light lands on it.

And their faces were not ashamed. Notice what is not in that sentence. There is nothing about the situation changing, nothing about anybody's record being cleared, and nothing about the people around them being told anything.

The verse is not describing a change in what other people know. It is describing a change in where a face is pointed and what lands on it as a result.

That distinction matters enormously for a man with a permanent record. He has been trying to solve a lighting problem by changing the information, and there is no route left to change the information, and the psalm was never talking about the information.

You are described as lightened by where your face is pointed rather than by what a room knows. Psalm 34:5 says they looked unto him, and were lightened before it says anything about shame. It is the Holy Spirit, 2 Corinthians 3:18 changing us from glory to glory, who does the work that verse describes.

The promise Isaiah makes about a double portion

There is a verse in Isaiah that does something surprising with shame rather than removing it.

For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them. (Isaiah 61:7)

For your shame ye shall have double. The picture is an exchange rate rather than a deletion. The shame is not described as being taken back or unhappened; it is described as being traded, at a rate.

That is a different promise from the one people want and I think it is a better one, because it does not require anybody to pretend a thing did not occur.

And notice the whole chapter it sits in. It is the chapter about beauty for ashes, and about the oil of joy for mourning, and it opens with the Spirit of the Lord being upon Him to do exactly this.

You are inside an exchange rather than waiting on a deletion. Isaiah 61:7 promises double for shame rather than the removal of it. It is the same Spirit, named in the first verse of that chapter as being upon Him to do this work, who carries the trade out.

Paul quotes a promise about not being ashamed and keeps the tense

There is a line Paul quotes twice, and the wording is worth reading carefully.

For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. (Romans 10:11)

Whosoever. That is the widest word available and Paul chooses it in a passage arguing that there is no difference between one kind of person and another.

Shall not be ashamed. It is future, and it is a promise about a standing rather than about a feeling on a Tuesday. Paul is not claiming believers do not experience shame; he is claiming that nobody who leans on Him is finally left standing there with it.

Which is what a man with a page needs to know. The page is going to be there in ten years. The question the verse answers is not whether the page comes down. It is whether he is finally left holding it alone, and Paul says the answer is no.

You are covered by a whosoever that has no exception written into it. Romans 10:11 says whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed, and it is the Spirit of God, Ephesians 1:13 sealing us after we believed, who is named as the seal on a standing like that.

And if the page has begun to press on you at the level where you stop wanting the week, say it out loud to a person: a doctor, a counselor, a pastor you trust, or the 988 crisis line, which answers every hour there is. Public shame brings people to the edge and it does it quietly, and there is no version of this where you should be alone with it.

What Revelation says overcomes the accuser

There is a verse in Revelation about how the accusation is beaten, and the second half of it is the surprising one.

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony. (Revelation 12:11)

The blood of the Lamb. That is the first half and it is the ground.

And by the word of their testimony. The second half is a spoken account. It is not a cleared record. It is people telling what happened and what was done about it, out loud, which means the story is being used rather than being hidden.

That is not an instruction to publish anything and I want to be careful, because a person with a live legal or family situation should take advice before they say anything anywhere. Nothing on this page is telling anybody to make a statement.

What it does say is that the account of a thing, in the hands of somebody who has been dealt with, becomes the weapon rather than the wound. That is a slow change and it is not available on demand and I have watched it happen more than once.

You are holding something that can become a testimony rather than only a record. Revelation 12:11 puts the word of their testimony beside the blood of the Lamb. It is His Spirit, John 15:26 called the Spirit of truth who shall testify of me, who does the testifying alongside anybody who speaks.